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Happy New Year to everyone, hope you all had a fantastic night celebrating & have woken up feeling reasonably well 😀
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This year I decided to practise responsible consumption of alcohol & only had a couple of drinks which I spaced out & made sure I drank a lot of water also.
I didn’t want a repeat of last year, which saw me get so drunk that my best friend was spoon feeding me dinner whilst I sobbed uncontrollably into my plate of BBQ dinner.
It had only been 3 months since my mum had passed & I was still in that initial stage of grief where you vacillate between complete & utter shock, numbness & the most extreme sadness you have ever felt & cannot envision yourself ever feeling better again.
To add icing to the cake, I passed out not long after & rather than put me to bed in the privacy of my bedroom with the door very firmly shut, my husband propped me up on the couch, Weekend at Bernie style, completely unconscious but wanting to make sure I didn’t miss out on the festivities (or choke on my own vomit).
The worst part of this scenario was that I didn’t even remember any of it, my son took great delight in replaying these events to me the next day. How disgraceful.
The first sentence in my journal for 2018 read ‘I hate myself’ amongst other insults. I was so ashamed of my behaviour the night before, even before I was aware of the full extent of it
I’m a mother, I’m supposed to be responsible & set a good example for my kids. Not get blind drunk & make a complete & utter fool of myself.
I guess on the flip side I showed them that I am only human & make mistakes but this is not the way I wanted my kids to learn.
I decided that I didn’t want my entry into the new year to define my year ahead. I messaged our guests from the night before & apologised profusely & then I set my intentions for the year.
I knew I still had a lot of grieving to do & I was heartbroken about leaving the year behind that would be the last year in existence that my mum & I would walk the earth together. I was clutching at straws, I didn’t want to let go of anything that meant leaving my mum behind.
I especially didn’t want to start a new year without her but what choice did I have. In the 20/20 vision of hindsight, I now realise that I wasn’t capable of following through on many New Year’s resolutions.
The year ahead was about survival and grieving and also being the best possible mother I could be, whilst transitioning through this immense loss & adjusting to my ‘new’ life.
If I’m to be honest, I would have to say it’s been the toughest year of my life. It was the first calendar year of my life that I didn’t have my mum by my side.
Not only my mum, but my best friend, my confidante, my kids very much loved nanny and I would go as far as to say a second mum figure and also my support system. I think I may have had a nervous breakdown but didn’t really have a great deal of time to acknowledge it. I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other & keep plodding on. There was no other choice in the matter.
2018 has been a year of highs & lows. Not to be a negative Nancy but there have probably been more lows than highs but that is to be expected.
2018 saw my darling little twin toddlers turn into threenagers & that has presented many challenges and really tested my patience and resilience but we are nearly through that & in the place of my sometimes demonic threenagers, are two delightful, funny, inquisitive, quirky & fun little girls who are bursting with personality.
2018 also saw my older twins mature into big kids which broke my heart a little. They also developed a severe disliking of each other and cannot stand to be in the same room together. They only have to look at each other for an argument to break out. I’m hoping this is only temporary & have been advised that they should grow out of it by their 21st birthday.
2018 has also seen the reconstruction of my village & my support system. I’m very lucky to have great family surrounding me. I’m very close to my dad & brother and have a one in a million Aunty & other great aunties & uncles.
I am also blessed to live in the most amazing location. My neighbours are amongst some of the greatest people I have met, especially one particular ‘supermum’ (she thinks she is anything but) with an ‘Iron Woman’ strength and a heart of gold. She has really looked out for me & I appreciate everything she does for me & my family. I’m honoured to call her not only my neighbour but one of my great friends.
Some friendships may have dropped off this year & I take responsibility for that. I haven’t really socialised very much at all and it wasn’t until the first anniversary of my Mum’s passing that I realised there were many people I hadn’t contacted in over a year. My default system this year has been to isolate myself & hide at home. I haven’t felt up to facing the big wide world.
Through all the sadness and grief, my love of writing & my need to be creative has surfaced. I started writing a journal in 2017 to help me deal with the loss of my mum and the overwhelming emotions I was feeling & found myself writing funny (??) short stories about my day to day life which then, in time, developed into starting my own blog.
This opened up a whole new world to me, there was so much to learn & it kept my overactive mind busy which was a godsend. Along the way I have met some truly amazing people & was so honoured when Amira, from the blog ASelfGuru asked me to be an Administrator on her new blogging group that she had started and best of all we have developed a beautiful friendship.
My blog has given me the opportunity to connect with so many like-minded people & other Imperfect mums too and it’s via my blog that I have been able to start my own ‘side hustle’ making Scrabble Art, which I absolutely love doing. I have decided to formalise this and register it as it’s own individual business ‘Bespoke Alpha Art’ and open an Etsy shop. Watch this space.
I have also discovered a new love for my husband. 2018 saw our 10-year wedding anniversary although I can’t remember if we celebrated or not. I’m thinking not because we are a bit short of babysitters these days.
Over the years there have been highs and lows and lots of struggles in between but watching the way he has supported me through this time has brought about a whole new level to my love for him.
It’s when you are at your lowest and your partner still loves you, supports you, tolerates you, desires you & makes a lot of excuses for you to other people, that you see that a marriage is about so much more than being in love & having a great sex life (before kids of course).
It’s about a solid foundation, mutual trust and respect, support and having each other’s back no matter what. It’s also about seeing each other through the best times and the very worst times.
So it’s with all this in mind, I enter 2019 a lot stronger, a lot wiser and much more capable of carrying out my goals.
I have decided to undertake The Healthy Mummy 28 Day Challenge to get myself back on track. I would love it if you would join me. I need some buddies to keep me motivated.
I also intend to reconnect with friends who I haven’t seen for some time & look forward to reconnecting. To those friends I apologise and thank those who have stuck with me.
We are taking a family holiday to Vietnam next month which I am looking forward to. Hit me up if you have any great travel tips or recommendations.
Most importantly, I am going to keep counting my blessings for all the amazing people I have around me & people who have got me through one of the hardest times of my life. A big shout out to Polly!!.
I am not going to take people for granted & I am going to continue to work hard & be thankful for all that I have.
I want to give a huge shout out to all of my readers & supporters. You are all amazing & I couldn’t do it without you. If you haven’t already, please don’t forget to subscribe from the purple box above. You will also receive my two new freebies; The Chore Chart & The Chore List.
Most importantly, have an excellent 2019 everyone & I hope all of your dreams come true.
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