So I’ve decided that I need to dig out the inner goddess that is hiding somewhere within me. I want to associate myself as one of the flowy, floaty free mums, not the crazy feral mum who drives her kids to school in my PJ’s and has been known to yell once or twice if it’s a stressful morning.
I awoke this morning feeling calm, ready to embody my new role as earth mother and then both twins, who sleep at either ends of the house wake up screaming ‘Mummy Mummy!!!’. My Darling number 3 has many demands in the morning, if I haven’t slept with her she wakes up demanding her mummy, the next demand is MILK!!, from here she wants her blanket and then wants me to carry her out to her special chair in front of the TV where the DVD of her choice must be put on, her blanket needs to be placed across her lap, face up of course so she can see the embroidered owls, once you have done this she gives you exactly 1 minute to have her milk ready in her special bottle at the correct temperature and in her hot little hands otherwise she begins behaving like the Anti Christ (as opposed to how she is already behaving). Pair this with her twin sister, who is a lot more bustling in her approach but takes a little while to wake up and wants to be picked up and cuddled (which is beautiful but difficult because she weighs 15 kilos) , once again there is a very short window to meet this need otherwise she becomes a beautiful wild eyed tantruming monster!!. Once she calms down and has her mummy cuddle she too is whirlwind of demands, mostly for food or milk and then god help me if she turns off Grace’s DVD because she wants to watch something else, this happens most mornings. They have been known to have full scrag fights with the hair pulling, headlocks, scratching etc.
My Darling number 1 is one of the sweetest kids you’ll ever meet. She is just lovely (not quite sure where she inherited that from, neither my husband or I have been described as lovely, must be from her grandmothers) but fuck me she is so maddeningly slow in the morning. Every single minute I have to coach her to keep moving, get dressed, do your buttons up, put your socks on, eat your breakfast, pack your bag, brush your teeth etc. She absolutely hates having her hair brushed and will avoid it until the last possible second. The older two have been bickering all morning, we were running late as I sat Darling 1 down to do her hair, my darling son decides to engage one of the babies in a squealing competition. More to the point, who could squeal the loudest, highest and for the longest period of time, I thought we had Mariah bloody Carey in the house at one stage. My temper in the morning is usually pretty short, especially when we are running late and I find when I’m anxious, I’m very sensitive to sound and when I say sensitive I actually mean completely fucking intolerant. I’m forever yelling at the kids to turn the TV down. So I’m trying to wrestle the knots out of Emily’s hair with her whinging for Australia whilst these two are squealing their heads off, The Inner Goddess realised she was in way over her head here and ran for the hills and back in her place was the crazy feral mum yelling at the kids to shut up!! Thankfully we live on land otherwise I’m sure that a concerned neighbour would have called the cops because it did honestly sound like someone was being killed (I am blessed to have the most fantastic neighbours so I’m not quite sure if they would have called the cops on me, they would have come in & saved the day instead).

Next to get all 4 kids in the car, in their correct seats and strapped in etc only to discover that Emily has left her school bag inside. ‘Are you fucking kidding me?” was my response to this. Who forgets their school bag??!!. So I had to turn the car off, run back to the house and grab her bag. So off we go to childcare and on the way a fight breaks out over what song we are listening to so I turn off the stereo completely. I am now craving silence because the sound of the kids voices are starting to sound like nails on a blackboard. Drop off at childcare is as non eventful as it can be with Emily and Xavier racing to the gate seeing who can get there first to open the gate and enter the pin number at the front door and in the process slamming the gate in my face whilst I am carrying Grace, her bag and her blanket and I’m dragging a very unwilling Alice alongside me and carrying all her stuff too. The children haven’t realised until I yell out to them. Emily wins the race to enter the pin code only because Xavier was kind enough to come back and open the gate for me. We all go piling into the building, I nearly trip over Emily in the process and its not until the next family comes in the door that we realise Alice is still outside in the gated area and she is throwing a tantrum over god knows what, but because we have all (accidentally) ignored her, she picks herself up and toddles in. I sign the girls in, give them both a big kiss and cuddle and then its back to the car to take the older two to school. It’s a given that they have about five arguments in the next 5 minutes and then praise the lord, I drop them at school. Hallelujah!!!

I sigh the biggest sigh of relief but I’m nowhere near calm enough to go home and meditate and begin educating myself on angels, crystals and beg the inner goddess to return. I’m way too wound up for that. Thankfully I bump into my 3 favourite mummy friends in succession and spend the next hour talking shit and calming down. I love the comradeship between fellow mummies as we swap stories about what little shits our kids are and how much we all yell at them in the mornings and this makes me feel loads better. I’m not the only one!!. I love bonding with the perfectly imperfect mums. It is balm to my bruised and battered soul. After I have my mummy fix, I drive home blasting Bruno Mars at full volume singing at the top of my lungs. Once I get home I’m still pretty wired so I take a couple of Lorazepam and do the dishes and make myself breakfast. Time to calm down, centre myself and enjoy the fact that I have a child free day ahead of me!. I popped a Will & Grace DVD on (my all time favourite show), put my phone on charge and made myself comfortable. I slowly started to mellow out and decided to try one of the new meditations I had downloaded. It is a Bereavement Meditation that I have used before but generally fall asleep by the end of the relaxation at the beginning. Today I made it further in and had my Rose Quartz crystal on my heart and my Selenite crystal on my crown and meditated away. I made it about halfway through today before falling asleep. The gentle voice led me through a relaxation and then guided me to a meeting with my mum where I got to tell her how much I love her and give her a big cuddle. It was so beautiful. During this meditation I was envisioning her before she got sick and she looked amazing. So very healthy and happy. I can’t put into words how great it was, then I fell asleep. Upon awakening, I went over the mediation in my mind and this then led me to question had this really happened in the spiritual realm, had my mum and I really spent this time together, or was it just in my imagination?. Or did I just fall asleep because of the sedative effect of the medication. With all of my heart and soul I would like to think it was the former but my oh too logical mind tells me it’s probably the latter. This then led to the train of thought of mind over matter. If you believe something happened and that something can aid in potentially putting the pieces of your shattered heart back together, then is there any harm in that?. As long as you are sensible and don’t lose sight of what is tangible and measurable and accept that some things are not tangible and measureable?.
Something to think about…….

24 Comments on The Inner Goddess

  1. Michelle I loved that
    And I’m miffed I’m not in it yet Haha!
    If you spoke with her and cuddled her makes no difference if it was “real” or not , it happened and it felt right.
    But I had to Pmsl at the image of you with the crystal on your crown 🙂

    • I do that shit all the time, pull out my crystals & Place them in the appropriate spots in an attempt to balance my chakras. Matthew looks at me like I’ve been smoking crack!!!!
      How do you know you weren’t one of the 3 mum’s in the car park??!!

  2. Haha who are these floaty care free mums?! Aliens I’m sure! Im dreading when we have school runs to think about…im forever running late!

  3. My mornings include yelling because my one and only kid is also soooooooo slow. I had a great laugh at your description of the girls having full on scrag fights. Too funny. And what a little ANGEL Xavier is, coming back to open the gate. Omg and the forgotten school bag inside. Way too real!

    • Thank god we now have a school bus & one of my amazing neighbours walks my older 2 along with her tribe. Now I just have to deal with Grace who refuses to go to child care & has to be carried out of the house kicking & screaming & then refuses to enter the building upon arrival

  4. So much respect for mums. We kids can be such intolerable pieces of shit sometimes. Mariah fucking Carey..I laughed on that bit. Managing 4 kids is no easy task and you seem to be doing the job with aplomb and some Bruno Mars.
    The meditative part took me somewhere else. It’s like the reality of your kids cuddling and hugging you each morning almost entered the imagination with you becoming the kid. As long as it gives you positivity and keeps you sane, why not!
    Also, why do you pop these pills? try avoiding them. They might have some harmful side-effects.
    Love and light 🙂

  5. Ha! Getting anywhere with kids is hard sometimes. I applaud you for making a go of it! I had 3 and it was so hard.

  6. This is such a great read about moms who struggling the same things with other moms. Me, as a mother also yelling with my daughter because she is too slow when it comes to preparing herself going to her school and this one definitely makes me laugh.

  7. I am not a mother yet but this is something! And I can’t imagine how I’m going to manage it all when I do have kids.
    “My Darling number 1…but fuck me she is so maddeningly slow in the morning.” This cracked me up. Love your honesty Michelle. It’s important to share the “real” stuff and what you go through as a parent. Thank you for doing that. You’re doing a great job!

  8. Love this! The “imperfections” are what make you such a good mom! You seem like you totally just “get” it!

  9. If I didn’t know any better I would’ve thought I was reading a biography of my life and daily “routine” when my kids were little! I can tell you this, it gets better, they grow up and then you miss all that craziness…

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